Growing stronger

My sister said it best when told me to be real, not try to be perfect. So I'll admit it. This is hard.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still counting my blessings every day. But this is tough.

Everything from TV commercials to "informational" booklets, etc. portray this beautiful little glowing, rose-colored world of perfect babies that never cry for hours for no reason and parents who just smile and coo and snuggle all day. Of course I knew it wouldn't be like that all the time, but I didn't really expect to have a baby that cried constantly. At least it seems constant. And listening to her cry is like torture to me. I guess there's some kind of hormone (or just effective evolution, maybe?) that makes a baby's cry so aggravating to adults. So I try to tell myself that everything is as it should be. But "mind over matter" goes right out the nursery window at 4 a.m. when I've been up every hour so she can nurse for 4 minutes and then lie awake or cry for another 30. And then we start again an hour later. Who knew I'd sleep so well sitting in a rocking chair?

Still, the truth is that no matter how exhausted and worn down I am, I'd still rather be here than anywhere else. It's sort of a strange double emotion. At the same time that I'm ready to hand Regan off to Paul and run off to live on the beach for the next 3 months, I also don't like the thought of leaving her in anyone's arms but mine.

I can say that I can see progress. Breastfeeding has gotten SO much easier. When Regan's hungry, she latches right on, nurses for a few minutes and either goes back to sleep or is at least content for a while. It's a huge load off my shoulders to know that at least she's getting enough to eat.

Here's what I've learned in the last couple of days: Usually just when I think my nerves can't handle another second, something changes and gets better. When I started writing this blog post a couple of days ago, Regan had been crying off and on (mostly on) from about 8 p.m. to midnight for the last several nights and occasionally throughout the days as well. But for the last two or three days, she has barely cried at all. We're starting to figure out how to soothe her and what she likes and doesn't like. It has been a much more pleasant few days and really makes me appreciate the quiet moments.

Change is difficult, and Regan and I are both growing. I knew that having a baby would change me forever, but I guess I didn't really think about how that change would happen and what it would do to me emotionally. Like a good workout, I'm being worn down right now so that I can be built back up stronger. The process is hard and sometimes painful, but worth it.