Ch-ch-ch-Changes

Whoa there, hormones. Easy. It's funny (or cruel) how raging hormones seem to amplify real and legitimate concerns, making it difficult to figure out if you're really as upset as you feel about something or just in a hormone-induced breakdown.

I wouldn't call last night's near-tearfest a breakdown. I only felt like crying while watching Paul play with the dog. Really, no tears escaped. But it was so sweet, the two of them jumping and running and having a grand old time like they do almost every night. Then it dawned on me. Everything is about to change. And even though there are some things about my life that I wouldn't mind changing, (no one is really, truly, 100% content, right? Otherwise there'd be no such thing as ambition.) but for the last several years, my relationship with my husband has been one of the only things that I'm really sure about. And it's about to change. How it will change, I don't know. It could even get stronger. But I always hear all these warnings: go on date nights, make time for the two of you alone, appreciate each other, and on and on. Life with a rugrat isn't easy, and the marriage can take the brunt. Imagining everything, I suddenly missed him.

For a second, he sat on the arm of the couch and I held his hand. I asked him not to change when we have a kid. He smiled and said okay, gave my head a rub, and went back to playing with the dog.  

I already love my little girl more than I can say, of course. But our pastor once said something that has stuck with me. The Cliff's Notes version is something like this: don't let the kids become the heads of the household. Don't ignore the rest of the world if only to ensure that your child's every want is perfectly fulfilled. Don't forget to nurture your relationship with your spouse even while being parents. In the long run, your children's happiness will fall in line with your own, and a happy marriage is the best way to model happiness for them. So it might mean that occasionally the kiddos stay home when we go out to dinner. It might mean we send them to bed an hour early so mom and dad can watch a grown-up TV show, alone, with wine instead of milk. And that has to be okay.

Actually, Paul joked between ball-bounces, I was planning on becoming more loving when we have a kid. But if you don't want me to change ...

I laughed. More loving is always nice.